Proven
by Scottea
Summary: Spock's point of view of The Proving regarding the friendship with Kirk retyped in the wee small
1. Chapter 1

First Officer Spock had lost track of time. That should have forewarned the Vulcan of what his actions were doing to his body, what his emotions were doing. His whole purpose was to keep the ship safe till Captain Kirk returned. He had to defend the crew against Commodore Collins, adhere to Doctor's medical orders, and keep reviewing the building plans in order to locate the Captain.

The Commodore had, as per regulations, taken command of the ship and had been highly critical of the command crew. There was not one member of the bridge crew, as well as the senior crew in both the Engineering and Medical Sections, that he had not defended against the man's delusional demands and irrational tirades. McCoy had wanted to keep him in Sickbay but he had to be there for the crew. When not on the bridge he would go to Sickbay so that Doctor McCoy did not pester him when he went to his own quarters where he studied the building plans.

On the sixth day he walked up to the command chair and looked at Commodore Collins, "Sir, may I ask what attempts have been made to recover Captain Kirk?"

"Need I remind you, Science Officer, that the original purpose of this mission was to prepare for the first visit to Halton by senior officials of not just Starfleet but also the Federation? We were to come and ensure the facilities were ready for inspection a week before their arrival and to do what needed to ensure they were ready. While it is unfortunate that Captain Kirk was killed in an accident while inspecting the substructures with an inspection group we are to wait for the delegation without sending further personnel down. Is there any part of that you do not fully understand?" Commodore Collins stayed seated in the command seat on the Enterprise and looked at him as he stood before him and Spock could detect a look of supremacy and victory.

There was also the sense of being totally alone. He could feel the presence and silent support of the others. He could also sense the undercurrent of disgust and distrust that the bridge crew had towards Collins.

Looking directly at Collins and standing at full attention he said, "No, Sir, while I fully understand what you have just said I must return to the planet. I must find the Captain."

Collins had looked at him, "I admire your dedication to your former Captain, Mister Spock. You saw the site, you read the reports. It has been five days. You must accept the reality that Captain Kirk is dead and that I am now in command of the Enterprise. As **my** First Officer I expect the same dedication and loyalty from you that you gave to Kirk. Vulcans are known for their loyalty and dedication to their Captains."

"Sir, I again respectfully request permission to return to Halton for the Captain."

Spock was aware of Uhura glancing at the others and saw how both Sulu and Chekov had slightly turned in their seats and Scotty had totally stopped and turned to watch. He could feel concern radiating towards him McCoy and appreciated his silence.

"Why, Mister Spock, that is as close to begging as I have ever heard of from a Vulcan. I have never heard of a Vulcan begging for anything. Your kind simply don't, do you? Your kind just doesn't beg for anything."

For a moment Spock closed his eyes and felt McCoy's hand on his shoulder but at the shake of his head McCoy removed it. He, too, must have seen the slight smile both about the Commodore's eyes and on his lips. Slowly Spock opened his eyes and looked at Collins, "Sir, I am begging you. Please let me go find the Captain."

As Spock watched the man he saw just the start of a broad smile before Collins rubbed his hand over his mouth as though contemplating an answer before he looked at Spock, "Permission denied. Doctor McCoy, please take Mister Spock to either his quarters or Sickbay where I want him confined till he is able to function properly. Keep him off my bridge."

Although he had expected that response, there was only an eleven point six percent possibility of him being given permission, it greatly discomforted him that he would have to somehow find another way of getting to the Captain. He found he could not move, that he could just stand as he tried to think of how he could return to the planet.

He was aware of the stillness around him then felt the strong arm of Mister Scot wrap around him and heard that reassuring voice, "Come on, Mister Spock. Let's be getting ye back to Sickbay."

"Mister Scott, I did not say you could," pure anger was in the voice.

There was a pause and Spock was aware of Mister Scott half turning to look at Collins, "I may nae understand Vulcans, but ye do not treat anybody in shock like that. Are ye really so stupid or blind not to see it?"

"I will not,"

As the turbolift doors were shutting Spock was sure all could clearly hear Scotty say, "Sit on it and turn, Sir."

In the turbolift Spock was aware of McCoy looking at him, once again clearly making sure he was just holding on to not only his sanity but also his control. Over the years McCoy had become almost as proficient at his detection of such things as some of the Vulcan healers who had never treated Humans. Spock was aware that only Mister Scott's arm around him was really keeping him on his feet. Through their physical contact Spock could feel the man's concern about him, sensed that the man considered him a friend, and was not shocked at some of the primitive methods used by the man's great ancestors appealed to the man for what to do to Collins. Only once before had he ever seen Spock beg but this, this time had been far worse. That it had been on the bridge in front of the crew was bad enough but he had been made to beg by somebody who had no intention of granting his request and was deliberately tormenting him. McCoy could see that thin line holding Spock together was tighter now than it had been since they beamed him and Collins back to the ship without Kirk.

"Spock," the Vulcan turned his head and looked at the doctor, "Spock, do you want to go to Sickbay or your quarters?"

"My quarters will be sufficient, Doctor." Although his voice was no more than a whisper he knew that both McCoy and Scott heard him and that they had also heard all that was behind the words. It was the first time since leaving the bridge that Spock seemed to notice how McCoy was holding his arm and Scott still had his arm securely around him, half guiding half supporting him. Through their contact a feeling of understand and friendship flowed and he felt safe. "Gentlemen I, I must apologize for my,"

"Ah, tis us you're talking to, Mister Spock. No apology needed. Ye rest." The engineer gave his arm a gentle squeeze,

"Thank you Mister Scott."

While the Scotsman got the bed ready McCoy took his full weight and the Vulcan was aware of the doctor supporting him physically as he had supported him mentally for so long. He was also aware of how those blue eyes were clearly reading him. He tried to smile, "I will be quite alright on my own, Doctor."

"Bed's ready for ye," Scott stood before him and looked him in the eyes, "Ye know where I will be if ye need me. Anytime." There was that light pat on his arm and the engineer went back to his bairns. It was strange but over the years Spock had come un understand why and how the man could think of the engines of the Enterprise as his children.

McCoy guided him to his bed and made him sit down then looked down at the bowed head, "Now I do not fully understand all that Vulcan mind stuff and that connection you two plainly have but you don't feel Jim is dead, do you?"

Spock shook his head and looked into the understanding eyes seeing in them that he could tell McCoy what he was sensing without fear of ridicule, "There is pain, fear, confusion, and he is blocking me. It is almost as though he were afraid of me. At times I have been able to get through his barriers and calm him. But you are correct, I would know if he were dead. I need to find him before his mind is too far gone, Doctor. I must get back down there and find him."

As soon as he felt the hypo pressing into his arm Spock knew he had made a mistake by closing his eyes. "We aren't him, Spock, but we will help you through this."

Spock woke slowly after the sedation McCoy had given him and, as was true with many of McCoy's medications, he did feel a bit ill but clearly his body had needed the time to adjust, time for him to let all he had thought and felt get back into order. Although he had believed Commodore Collins would refuse his request there had been an eleven point six percent possibility he would be allowed to go to the planet if he complied with the implied request. To not have done so, to not have tested that minimal percentage, would be unpardonable should it be found that Jim was still alive when they left and he had not exhausted all possibilities of getting to him.

He just had to think of a way to get to the planet as he knew Jim was alive but lost, frightened, and hurt. He had no proof but he suspected the Commodore was somehow involved which made things all the more difficult. He could have either transported down or taken a craft, both of which would involve other crew and he could not risk their lives nor their careers. There was no doubt in his mind that they would be willing to help but he could not, would not, put them in harm's way, even for Jim. Should he ask for their involvement and something go wrong that cost their lives but saved Jim's life he was certain Jim would forever blame him and he knew he would not be at peace with himself. No. There had to be some way but he could not think of,

Scott. There had been something about the way Mister Scott had gripped his arm, that look, the way he had said, _"Ye know where I will be if ye need me." _ His hand moved almost on its own volition to the communicator.

"What?" Chief Engineer Scott's obvious frustration at being woken in what Spock realized, with chagrin, was his sleeping time, was clear.

"I apologize for awakening you Mister Scott,"

"Ye need my help?"

"If I could speak with you,"

"I'm on my way."

As he stood looking at his monitor Spock realized how he had oddly expected such a reaction. It seemed strange that he now realized that those on the bridge and Mister Scott were a family, a close and connected family who one another could rely on, often without words. Although he still had some difficulty understand certain aspects of the Human ways this small band clearly understood him.

As soon as he had heard Scott saying he was coming Spock walked over and turned down the room temperature. He knew it was set at what he was used to on Vulcan which was approximately five degrees Celsius warmer than the others had theirs set at.

had been surprised when Spock had contacted him and asked if he could speak with him. It was not often the Vulcan really spoke to anybody when not on duty apart from the Captain and McCoy. They would exchange words and maybe briefly discuss something to do with the ship but that was about all. He accepted that the Vulcan was a very private person just as he knew the Vulcan accepted him as he was.

"Thank you for coming, Mister Scott, I know you are off-shift and have other things you,"

The man had looked at him and said, "I told ye if ye needed me I'd be here. What is it, Mister Spock? How can I help ye?"

"I need to get to the planet. I can only do so by taking a craft or by transporter. I cannot,"

"I can arrange the transporter."

His willingness to help had not overly surprised the Vulcan as he had, over the years, come to respect the Engineer and did, in fact, consider him a friend. Those four other: Uhura, Sulu, Uhura, and McCoy, were also friends but none were as close as Jim and they seemed to understand and accept it. "I cannot ask you to risk your future in,"

"And just how would I be doing that if I were checking that wee fault we have with the transporter? Ye and everybody else knows when I am working on a wee problem I only see the problem not the people around me so if ye were to be there how would I know?"

Just for a moment Spock was going to ask about the fault as he had not been advised of any but stopped. For that moment the two men just looked at each other in silent understanding. This was what Spock had wanted, a way to the planet. As Spock looked at the man he realized that Mister Scott was doing this for him and Jim under the guise of checking the transporter. The Chief Engineer was responsible for the operational safety of the transporter and if he suspected any fault he was charged with investigating and correcting the Spock nodded, "What time is the repair scheduled for?"

"When ye want it." the Engineer grinned, "Being the so-called miracle worker I can make it anytime and if his upshot self wants to get to the planet while I'm working he can take a craft."

Despite himself Spock half-smiled, "You are talking about a senior officer."

Scott smiled back, "He may be senior but he is no officer. Do ye know where ye want to be beamed to?"

"I will advise you once I have confirmed my calculation. Do they have any form of shielding up?"

"Not since the Enterprise arrived. Should I tell the others?"

"No. It is bad enough that I am asking you to risk your,"

Quickly Scott reached out and briefly placed a hand on Spock's shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze, something so out of character the Vulcan looked at him, "Nae such a thing has happened. I just advised ye of a wee problem with the transporter that needs to be fixed. Now, what sort of a risk is that? And ye did no asking as far as I recall about the transporter. I told ye of the trouble with the transporter and that's the end of it,."

Long after the Engineer had gone and while he tried to concentrate on the layout of the building he was certain Jim Kirk would be in, Spock found himself oddly comforted by the knowledge that while McCoy and Kirk were the closest friends he had ever had that there were ones like Scott around. He had seen, in the past, how the others: Uhura, Chekov, and Sulu, were there for him as well and he knew he only had to ask but he had not felt comfortable asking Scott for his assistance even though the Scotsman had made a logical argument pointing out how the decision was his own. Just for a moment he had thought of debating the wisdom with the man but Scott had said, "_I told ye of the trouble with the transporter and that's the end of it_," before he walked out.

At off times over the next eight days McCoy, Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov had to his quarters to see if he was okay but did not stay long as he insisted he was studying and needed to concentrate. When they had asked what he was studying he had found the most convoluted way of saying building structures so that none of them knew exactly what he was planning. He could tell that McCoy suspected something was amiss but the doctor had not asked: only staying a few minutes and always bringing food and waiting till he had consumed at least half of it.

Early on the ninth day Spock hesitated for a moment before he touched the intership communications line and press Scott's number. "Ye ready now, Mister Spock?"

"Might I inquire as to how you knew it would be me?"

"Who else would be calling me at this hour? I'll be right there. Just tell me where."

Only on very rare occasions had Spock seen Mister Scott in civilian clothing and he could tell from Mister Scott's face he was equally as surprised to see him in civilian clothing. "Ye have the coordinates then?"

Spock set in the co-ordinates and looked at the man beside him, "I could set a delay. You still have,"

"And just how would ye get back up here if ye were a mite late? We've discussed it all we're going to." He held out a small communicator. "I best get on with the repairs that need doing. Ye just bring him home."

As the beam took him Spock found himself wondering how many of the others would suspect something was happening, how many of the others actually believed Jim to still be alive. There had been such absolute certainty in the Engineer's voice.

What he had thought from the plans of the building to be the most likely room for Jim to be hidden seemed to be a sauna. There was a very warm scented mist filling the air. Steam vents in the floor ensured that there was no place the mist would miss. He turned to leave then saw the mat with a tightly curled naked form on it. Just for a moment he stood looking at his friend laying in a tight fetal position, he fought back an anger that was growing in him at those who had done this to Jim. He could see no signs of physical abuse but when he lightly touched Jim's face he felt his mind, his mind was in chaotic turmoil. Cautiously he took out his tricorder, the reading on the steam indicated a substance that was extremely hallucinogenic to humans. Any thought of a meld was out of the question. His main priority had to be to get Jim to McCoy as the doctor would know what to do for him.

"Mister Scott?"

No response. Now was not a time for the dedicated man to be engrossed in his work.

"Mister,"

"I'll be right there, dear. This repair is going to take me a mite bit longer as company has come to see what I am doing."


	2. Chapter 2

Collins. Spock had not counted on him appearing. Scott was, without doubt a very competent engineer, perhaps the best Spock had ever encountered, but his ability to prevaricate was no match for Jim's. He knew the Engineer had left the communicator on.

"Of course I check any reported irregularity with the transporter when it is quiet. Do ye want me to do it during an emergency? Do ye want to be the first thing I send though as a test?"

"No, no, I just thought it was an unusual time is all. Now I see that this is how you maintain your high standards. I will be beaming down tomorrow to ensure things are taken care of and ready for the others arriving the following day. I'll leave you to it."

There was two point one three minutes of silence then, "Had to make sure the blighter was well clear. Do you."

"Yes. Some attire would be beneficial."

"Beaming you now."

It had taken Spock almost all his strength to maintain his shields against the fear, confusion, and fury in Kirk. The one thing that blasted the most at his shields was the hate he felt in Jim towards him, even in his sleep a deep loathing of the Vulcan permeated. Words like betrayal, liar, false-friend, disloyal, and traitor all seemed to be directed at him.

Scott was quickly at the platform with a robe and wrapped James Kirk in it while Spock took a moment from holding his friend and strengthened his shields again before cradling the sleeping body in his arms. With Mister Scott walking ahead of them making sure the corridors were clear they were soon at Kirk's quarters and it had not surprised Spock to see McCoy waiting.

"Scotty, take Spock to my office, I'll be in as soon as I can and will let you know."

Three point eight four hours later McCoy walked into his office looking very old and very tired. Without saying a word he poured himself a drink, downed it, looked at Spock and said, "I better not find that Collins had anything to do with this. Jim is physically fine but, but they have filled him with so many hallucinogenic drugs and sedatives it will take him a few hours before he can have any visitors. Best to just let him sleep for now."

"He will be,"

McCoy smiled at him, "Give him a good sleep, Spock, some food, about twenty-four to thirty-six hours of sleep, and he should be back to the James Kirk we know. He will then know what happened to him and that whatever nightmares he has been having are nightmares. I remember at medical school trying a mild hallucinogenic and after it was worse than any hangover I have ever had. You go get some sleep," he looked directly at Spock, "Doctor's orders, Sir."

As Spock had left he paused and looked at McCoy, "Thank you for that, Doctor McCoy. I suggest you see to Mister Scott."

Collins had summoned Spock to the bridge and the first thing unusual he noticed was that Sulu was not at his station, "I am beaming down. As you are the most senior ranking officer on the ship and Doctor McCoy says you have accepted the facts regarding Kirk, you are in command of the ship till my return. I expect to find you here when I return and Officer Sulu to still be confined to his quarters, understood?"

"Yes, Sir."

McCoy came onto the bridge after Collins had gone, saw it was just the usual five, "He's still sleeping. Had a moment of awareness and knows he is back on the ship." He looked at Spock, "I've got him in a safe room. He will be fine in time."

"Why is Mister Sulu confined to his quarters?"

There was no mistaking the looks exchanged among those on the bridge and Uhura said, "Just after he went down to check with Scotty he came up and ordered the building he had inspected to be destroyed, claiming he had permission to destroy it, Sulu and Chekov gave each other a sign and for some unknown reason there was a misfire and the torpedo went into the ocean about three hundred kilometers from the building. The Commodore almost had some sort of fit and ordered Sulu to his quarters till further notice after he had him lock us on standard orbit. He ranted on about not being sure how he could explain such an infantile error as he had everything else planned. He said he would ensure Sulu was never allowed on another ship for such an action."

Aware of the others looking at him, and controlling his growing anger at Collins, Spock looked at Chekov, Uhura, McCoy, and Scott then back at Uhura, "That will not happen. He made no mention to the Halton governing body?"

"No."

"Please get me Gowto Thap of their Security Department."

It took Uhura three attempts to locate the Director of Security.

"Mister Spock, is this about the unexpected attack on our planet? Commodore said he was still investigating it when he briefly stopped by my office. He gave no immediate credible reasoning for such an action."

"That is because he ordered it, Sir. I have five senior officers and three other officers who will attest to the fact he ordered the destruction of a building of interest."

"May I interview those officers after the function tomorrow evening? It was a serious breach of trust."

"They will be here. Do not allow Commodore Collins to deny you access to them."

"Rest assured, Mister Spock, when I want to interview officers regarding matters that impact on the safety and security of Halton there is no known force that can stop me. I thank you for this information. I have noted the reluctance of the Commodore to be forthcoming with details he should have known."

"Thank you, Sir. Spock, Enterprise, out."

Precisely eighty-seven point five one minutes after beaming down Collins was back on the bridge and glaring at Spock then looked at Mister Scott, "Mister Scott, who were you talking to last night when I found you in the Transporter Room?"

"I," Scott was caught and Spock knew it. Frantically the Vulcan tried to think of a way that would protect the Engineer yet not arouse the Commodore's suspicions.

Before he could think of anything he heard. "You really do not know about us, do you?" and watched as Uhura walked over to the Engineer and hugged him, "He knew I was having trouble accepting what happened to the Captain and we were to have spent the evening together."

"What did he say to you?"

Uhura looked at Scott, "Only that what he was doing was going to take a bit longer as he was interrupted by a visitor, or something along those lines. I was mad at him at the time and annoyed he was being delayed so I was not really listening. But I now know who to blame."

Inwardly Spock smiled as this was a team, a family. Collins did not know what he had walked into. Clearly he did not see nor understand or appreciate what made this bridge crew so special.

"And you," Collins turned and Spock saw the rage in his eyes, "I want to know what you did."

"I was in my quarters as per your orders, Sir, reading."

"I want to know how you did it and who helped you."

"What are you referring to, Sir?"

"You know exactly what I am referring," Collins stopped himself and just glared at Spock, "I, I do not have time for this now. I want a security detail to take Mister Spock to the brig, isolation. Charges are insubordination. I will deal with him later. I must beam back down to check on things for tomorrow's function but when I come back **you will answer my questions**."

Chekov stood, "I am with security and I follow orders. Mister Spock, if you vill."

It was all Spock could do not to let a twinkle of laughter show as Collins looked at Chekov and the young man met and held his gaze, "I have put more senior officers in the brig, Sir. I know my duty."

Once they were out in the corridor Chekov looked at him, "It may take us some time to get to the brig but first Doctor McCoy needs to know."

Spock was relieved that McCoy had returned to care for Jim and did not know of this development. "I best go directly to the brig, Chekov, as Collins will check before he leaves. I thank you for the consideration."

"I shall later escort you for a check-up then."

Spock nodded and said, "Very good."

Chekov was just setting the final codes in the isolation cell when Collins arrived and glared at Spock, "I will find out. You know that. I will find out." Then he looked at Chekov, "No one except me, and I mean no one, is to visit him or talk to or with him, understood?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Just to make it clear, even you are not to talk to or with him, are we clear on that?"

"Yes, Sir."

After Collins had gone Chekov looked at the monitors, "I am not too sure about this monitor, perhaps I should go see Scotty about it?"

"There is," Spock started then remembered that activity in the isolation area, when in use, was recorded and that Collins would no doubt check it on his return, and when Chekov turned to face him said, "logic in your reasoning, Mister Chekov."

While he was alone in the cell Spock reflected on the last two weeks. It had been clear that Collins did not want him around, that in some way he was a threat to Collins and the only thing logical reason for that was that Collins was behind whatever had happened to Kirk. Right from that first night when he was mildly sedated by McCoy he had sensed Kirk's fear and tried to calm him, just as he had done over the last thirteen days whenever he had been aware of the fear in that part of his mind where the growing mental bond between he has his captain was. There he had also senses Jim's fear of him, his distrust, which hurt him and troubled him as he could think of no reason. He was not sure how Jim would react when they were reunited as there had been so much fury and hostility aimed at him when he had picked Jim up in the mist-filled room. He had never expected to feel such hatred and loathing towards him from Jim. All he could think was that somehow in someway something had been done to Jim to cause this change.

It seemed longer than eleven point three seven minutes since Chekov left for him to return and went to the control panel, switched a few switches, "There, Scotty told me how to," he switched a few more, "loop-feed it."

Realizing what the young officer was doing and what it would mean if he were found out Spock started, "You are risking,"

"You have so often risked more for us, Sir. He is our Captain too. Doctor McCoy said he vas not sure how the Captain may react to you as he has been drugged a long time and is not thinking straight."

Spock knew that the hate and fury that he had sensed in Jim might still be there. He would deal with it. The main thing was that Jim was safe, was where he belonged. All that mattered was that Jim would recover, would live. Once he had seen Jim, once he had verified for himself that his friend was safe and in the care and protection of their friends would he let himself yield to the needs of his body. He was also aware that he would need time to recover from the mental assaults from Collins and what he had experienced from physical contact with Jim, but first he had to be sure Jim was safe. It was reassuring that perhaps only McCoy had seen the mental toil this had taken on him, only McCoy had a Human perception of what such prolonged attacks does to the Vulcan mind control rules. There had been those looks McCoy had had when he had looked at him when he thought the Vulcan had not seen him, those looks of open concern, apprehension, and Human worry as though knowing how only his need to know Jim was safe was keeping him from shattering into pieces and sliding into the vortex of mental oblivion beyond care or thought.

When they entered Jim's quarters Jim had his back to him. Spock could tell that much of the tension had gone from him and he was relaxed and felt safe with the others there. The others all smiled as they entered and Chekov said, "Captain, I have somebody else here anxious to see you."

When Chekov had said there was somebody to see him Kirk turned and for just an instant there had been joyous expectation and relief that vanished in a flash. For just that second Spock had seen what he needed to see, Jim was alive, safe, and with friend. Jim was back on his ship with his crew. It was worth the cost.

An all-consuming rage radiated from Kirk and Spock knew is Chekov had not grabbed his arm he would have fallen backwards.

"Oh, what? You surprised to see me again? This being the sixth day did I spoil your plans? You lowly, traitorous, devious, scheming, disloyal, unfaithful, dishonest, duplicitous, deceitful, heartless, soulless back-stabbing son of a bitch! You let them take me! You abandoned me! You left me! You were going to sell me to them! You just wanted command of the ship! You've always wanted command of this ship! You set me up to get it! You feinted friendship and I believed you. I, I trusted you. Get out of my sight and stay the hell out of my life, you cold **sick half-breed**! I'll have you off my ship so fast it will go down in history! Go on, go! **Go to hell**!" Kirk had turned away and sat down.

McCoy had looked from Kirk to him and clearly must have seen how each word had not just hurt him but seem to add more pressure to the cracks in his defenses, cracks caused by the pressure from Collins and the emanations he had first felt from Kirk. "Jim, Spock beg,"

"Don't even try to give me that, Bones. We all know Vulcans, especially that one, would never, never stoop to begging. Nothing, nothing could or would ever, ever, make it beg. Even hell freezing over could not get it to beg. Get **it** out of my sight and keep** it** out of it till I can get rid of **it**."

Form the looks on the faces of the others Spock could tell they were in total shock. He was sure none of them had ever thought Kirk could seriously say such things to him as they knew of the friendship they had had. He stopped himself. That was it. what he had felt from Kirk was gone. Over the years they had together faced some of the worst the entire contents of the known galaxies could throw at them and while they might have had raised voices, and long periods of silences, there had never been this. Never a deliberate, personal, and sustained attack on the other. They, like he, could tell that Kirk meant what he said.

"Spock, you have to know Jim is not clear on what happened. He does not know how you," McCoy started.

"Bones, I know what **it** did. I saw **it** abandoning me there. I saw **it** walk away. I woke up and **it** was not there as it did not know I was back thanks to you all helping Collins get me back. Now instead of **it** getting rid of me I will get rid of **it**."

"Spock, know it is just the drugs talking." McCoy stated, "Once he is,"

"Bones, you said I was clear of all residue of the stuff they gave me. You said the tests showed I am mentally fit. I know precisely what I said, what I said to **it**, and I meant every word of it. Don't you understand? **It** didn't just leave me there, **it** abandoned me! ** It** had the whole thing planned. **It** just did not count on the honor of Commodore Collins nor the loyalty of all of you. ** It** didn't count on the Commodore not abandoning a friend and a fellow officer. I don't want **it**; I don't want **that thing** in my life anymore. Whatever happens to **it** is not longer my concern. Now, get rid of **it** and keep **it** away from me." Kirk turned and glared at him and Spock felt the assault of the fury against his shields, "I never, never want to ever see or hear about **that thing** again, is that clear to everybody? It, **it is no longer a part of my life**!" There was still an immense hatred and anger in Kirk's voice.

Even before Kirk has started to speak the emanations coming from Jim were unlike anything Spock had ever felt from Jim before, nothing he had ever felt before were as searing with anger and fury. It was like a whirlpool of hostile emotions was pulling him down and drowning him. By the time Kirk had finished Spock felt sure it was only his uniform holding him together, only Chekov now taking the bulk of his weight holding him up. Never before had he felt like this. He remembered times when Kirk had pretended to dislike him, distrust him, but that was only to confuse an enemy and there was not the bombardment of pure raw emotion, of unreserved and unbridled hatred. This was totally different. He felt Jim's real emotions behind the words. Each word hammered against his weakened shields.

Spock was quiet for a moment then took a deep breath, stood straight, looked into the hazel eyes of his friend and Captain. He could see the anger and torment there but for a moment he also saw a very faint flicker of awareness and reason. There was no sign at all of the warmth, acceptance, understanding and friendship he had always found there before. He was sure, as he looked longer into the eyes, that there was a very dim flicker of awareness and reason but knew it an illusion and the fault of his human half believing in hope. Thinking he had seen them had been a trick of his tired mind.

He looked briefly at Chekov and nodded his thanks as he slowly stood to attention and faced Kirk. In a very controlled voice he said, "You are quite correct, Jim. Under strict orders I was forced to leave you but, Jim, I did not, nor would I ever, abandon you. However, as it is your stated wish, I will take my leave of you, James TIiberous Kirk. I am pleased you will live. I will ensure I never disturb your life again." He raised his right hand and gave the double splayed finger salute as was his cultural ritual, "Live long and prosper, Captain Kirk." With that the Vulcan turned and walked away with Chekov racing to catch up with him.


	3. Chapter 3

Chekov had not said a word to him as they walked back to the isolation cell had made no comment when, once in the turbolift his legs had all but collapsed and Chekov had taken his full weight while he had fought to regain his control. It was only when they were at the cell that Chekov had looked at him and Spock had seen the real concern, "Can I get you anything, Sir? Can I do,"

"No thank you, Pavel, and thank you for your assistance, your silence and controlling your emotions. I,I will rest now."

It was not until he lay down on the cot in the cell that Spock let himself realize just how shattered both mentally and physically he was. He found he wanted no more contact with Kirk as it was too painful to remember what that had once had. It was enough of a mental struggle to deal with the others but there had always been that deeper and special connection between himself and Kirk. All he wanted was to survive long enough to get off the Enterprise. He did not want any of those who still had feelings of genuine friendship towards him to find his body. What happened off the Enterprise would not matter.

Dimly Spock was aware of Kirk walking towards the isolation cell and Chekov stepping in front of him, stopping him. It was clear that Chekov was clearly ready to protect him from Kirk. "My direct orders from Commodore Collins, the commanding officer on this ship, are that nobody see or talk to the prisoner. I am sorry but I cannot allow you to see nor speak with the prisoner, Sir. " Slowly, while Chekov had been speaking, Spock stood up, stood to attention, with his back to Kirk. It would be difficult enough to hear the words without seeing the look of loathing.

"Chekov, I just want to," Spock knew it was apparent from the way Kirk stopped that seeing him standing like that had, for some reason, stunned him.

"Sir, I cannot allow,"

Very calmly Spock said, "Officer Chekov, please tell Ji," he stopped himself. Jim was the name of his friend and that friend was gone, "please inform Captain James Kirk that I am attempting to stay the hell out of his life as ordered and that it is both unwise and most unsafe for him to be walking around the Enterprise with Commodore Kenneth Collins searching the ship for him, no doubt to return him to where he was and how he was for whatever reason the Commodore had in mind. Further, please tell Captain Kirk that in keeping with his own orders it would be best for both of us if he never sees or disturbs me again."

"Keptin, Mister Spock is trying to stay out of you life and thinks it best you stay out of his. He also thinks it unwise and unsafe for you to be walking around the Enterprise with Commodore Collins aboard and looking for you. He also said you should never see or disturb each other ever again."

Despite himself Spock smiled as Chekov had said what he meant but in his own way. Before he would have corrected him but that no longer mattered. What Chekov had said was close enough to what he had and the meaning was there.

"Spock, I'm so sorry." There was a faint feeling of honest feeling in Kirk's voice and in his words but Spock shrugged it off as being a trick of his Human side. He knew Kirk and Kirk did not change his feelings that quickly. "There is no excuse for how I reacted. You will never know how sorry I am for how I acted, for what I said, for what I called you, for how I referred to you, for how much I have hurt you. Bones says I had been drugged but that is no excuse whatsoever for what I said and did to you. I will not even blame human weakness. I did not mean what I said. You must know I did not mean what I said, that I would never really say those horrid things to you nor about you. You know that is not what I feel about you, about us. I never meant to hurt you, Spock. I am so sorry."

Spock did not move. He strangely felt indifferent. He just had to wait till he was alone and where none of the others would find him so he could let go, could end it all.

"Spock? Spock, once I have settled with Collins I will come back. We need, I need to talk. Spock?"

Silence. No movement at all.

"Spock, I will come back to you."

When Kirk had gone Spock laid back down on the cot. He again thought of his plans and knew it was the logical way. He would be free and none of those who cared would be the ones to find his body. He was sure they would understand that he could no longer go on without that special friend being there for him. He would find the right time and place. It would have to be away from them and, if possible, alone.

Vaguely he heard a buzzer then Chekov said, "He's back Sulu's just let me know."

Spock slowly stood and looked at the younger officer, "You can do something for me if you would not mind."

"Of course, Sir"

"I do not wish to interrupt them when not on duty so tomorrow I would like you to thank Lieutenant Uhura, Mister Scott, Mister Sulu, and Doctor McCoy for the time and assistance they have given me and the kindness, the friendship and the understanding they have always shown to me. I would also like to thank you for your patience as well as your time and assistance, friendship, kindness and understanding. I wish you all well. Should Ji," again he could not same the name, "should Captain James Kirk ask how I was just tell him that I deeply appreciated everything he gave to me and all that he meant to me. Should he not ask you are to inform him that Vulcan healers can erase all memories and traces of me from his mind apart from the fact I was his First Officer."

Chekov had looked at him in a concerned way, "Sir?"

"I think it best we stop talking now. Commodore Collins should be here shortly."

As though on cue Collins walked in, looked at Chekov, "You may leave now."

"Sir?"

"You are relieved, is that understood? This area is automated and when I leave I will secure it."

Momentarily Chekov looked at him and Spock had given him a slight nod. Spock had no doubt that Chekov would challenge Collins but he was no prepared for whatever Collins had in mind for him as Kirk was safe, Kirk was back on his ship where he belonged, and Kirk was with his friends. Slowly Chekov returned Spock's nod and left.

Once Chekov had gone Collins went and stood outside the cell and looked at Spock, "I know you took him. I know he is alive and you took him. I know he has to be on this ship and you will tell me where he is and who else knows he is here."

Spock just looked at him. He knew the man would be looking for some reaction but nothing mattered now. Collins could, most likely would, kill him but Kirk was safe. The others would take care of Kirk. Kirk was alive, safe, and still captain of the Enterprise, the best Captain in not just Starfleet but the Federation on the best ship of the fleet with the best crew possible anywhere. He was aware of that small part of his mind that still thought of James T. Kirk as a friend, that believed he was a friend, but his emotional emanations coupled with his actions and words had not been those of a friend.

"Just know this was you choice. I will come back later to see if you have changed your mind or have died." Spock watched as Collins went to the control panel. Chekov had switched it back to secure record mode and had obviously done something that Collins did not like but heard him say, "Too far to go back" then he felt cold mist surround him and soak thought his clothing before the temperature in his cell started to drop. He had known Collins would try to get him to tell him where Jim was but Jim was safe. He resisted the longing to touch Kirk's mind one last time but instead got onto the cot in the cell and lay down. This was the time and place. Collins had said he would come back. He would be the one to find his body and not one who had any genial feelings toward him. As the cold started to numb him he recanted and quickly found the passage to Jim's mind, "Good bye, Jim." It was done. Spock relaxed. He had heard freezing to death was not such a painful thing.

His internal clock let him know six hours had passed when he felt a change, something was warming him. Then a familiar voice, "Just take it easy, Spock. We're here. You are severely hypothermic but will be just fine in a few days."

He heard Sulu saying, "Stay out of this, Sir. Stay out of his life, Captain. You said that whatever happened to him no longer concerned you. You told us you never wanted to see him again. You said you didn't want him in your life any more, remember?"

The genuine concern in the voice that had meant to much to him, "He,"

McCoy's calm and controlling voice, "He's barely alive, Jim. Extreme hypothermia. Whoever did this knew,"

Pure venom was in Chekov's voice "That Cossack! He made me leave so he could do this. Mister Spock knew."

The Mister Scott saying, "Steady, laddie. Ye have to get in line to get to that creature. Ye may have what's left of him after I've had him, if ye can find the pieces."

McCoy regaining control, "You two can sort that out later; help me get Spock to Sickbay. Now!"

He was aware of being gently wrapped in a blanket then felt an arm slide under his shoulders and another under his knees, the way one carries a sleeping child. Love, caring, concern, guilt, and regret flowed from the arms. There was an old familiarity to most of it. No. He would not let himself believe it. Kirk had made it clear that whatever they had had was gone.

His mind registered that he was being carried and those feelings continued to flow into him from the arms. He was aware of being placed on a bed and being stripped of his clothing down to his tee-shirt and briefs before being wrapped in a thermablanket and positioned on a heated pad. He felt a hand rest on his forehead, and McCoy whispering to him, "We're all here, Spock, we're all right here. We need you here." Then some fidgeting with the blanket before McCoy clearly spoke to who was there, "It is over to him, now. You all best get back to,"

"No." Uhura's voice reflected her determination and he felt her hand lightly and riefly rest on his forehead, felt all the love pass through her hand into him. "you told him we were all here and here is where we stay. The Captain has a meeting to attend to but we stay here."

The Captain. Their Captain. Yes, Kirk was safe now. Now he could stop fighting.

That voice. That voice that had been so special to him, "What, what did you mean, Chekov, when you said that Mister Spock knew? Knew what?"

"In the cell, before it arrived. Mister Spock asked me to thank Uhura, Mister Scott, Sulu, and Doctor McCoy and myself for our time and assistance and kindness and friendship and our understanding. He, he knew Collins planned to kill him."

That voice again, "Did, did he say anything about me?"

Chekov must have been relaxed as he remembered what he was told and relayed the message he had given him. "He started to call you Jim but again stopped and called you Captain Kirk and said to tell you, only if you asked, that he deeply appreciated everything you gave to him and all that you meant to him. He said that if you did not ask I vas to inform you that a Vulcan healer could remove all traces and memories of him from your mind aside from him having been your First Officer."

Spock felt two familiar hands grip his and that old beloved voice, "Oh Spock, I am so damned sorry for so many things. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I need you not as my Science First Officer, not as my First Officer, but as my friend. I need you as you. I need **you**."

One of those hands touched that side of his face, "I, I have to take care of something. I will be right back." The hand moved from his face to his shoulder and he felt a gentle squeeze, "McCoy will take care of you till I get back."

Then McCoy called out, "Jim, do not do anything remotely harebrained, we can't lose the two of you to that thing."

For a few minutes Spock just lay still. So many conflicting emotions since the hand had been on his face. He had felt the old love and deep friendship. Something had stirred for a moment in him. Just of a moment he had thought it possible that somehow Kirk had been chemically affected by something. There had been something familiar when Kirk had touched him. No, when he had looked at him when they had been reunited, clear his eyes were, how clear his speech was, there was no sign of outside influence. He had meant what he had said. But when Kirk had talked with him here there had been no deception in his voice or his touch. Deep within him Spock felt conflict. If only there was some way to know for sure. He longed for what was and knew that there was no life without it.

Somewhere in the distance he heard McCoy's voice, "He simply is not responding, Jim. It is like he has stopped fighting. I can't do much more."

"Can, can I take him to his quarters?"

"Out of the question, Jim."

"Then can I be alone with him for a few minutes?"

"Of course, we'll just go over to,"

"No, I want Sickbay empty for a few minutes."

"Jim,"

"Bones,"

Chekov's voice from further away, "You two vant to vork that out while the rest of us are going for a cup of coffee or do you vant to join us, Doctor McCoy?"

After a long silence McCoy said, "A cup of coffee is just what I need."

Spock felt somebody lift the blanket, and climb onto to the bed, rolling him onto his side so that they could lie together before lowering the blanket to cover them. Kirk. Hefelt Kirk slide one arm under him friend and wrap his other arm over him, drawing him close in a tight embrace. With his head resting close to the Kirk's he heard the whispered, "It's me, Spock. It's Jim. Feel me, Spock. Take my strength. Take my warmth. Take what you need just do not leave me. I am so sorry for what I said, how I treated you. I acted like an asshole as I believed them at the time, I believed what I thought was real, I believed their lies. Don't leave me. Not like this. Not like this. Please don't leave me. I need you."

For a moment they lay still and Spock felt the conflict in him deepen. There was no denying that Kirk cared about him but was that all? There had been so much hatred and loathing in his words before.

Kirk moved and pulled him closer, "Damned if Bones wasn't right. You are the better half of me; you're the half I love. I don't want to live without that half of me. I, I don't think I can live without that part of me."Kirk tightened his hold, "I'm right here and I'm not going to leave you, Spock. You never really left me. You're not going to leave me. You just sleep. I'm going to be right here. You just sleep, Spock. I'll stay right here as long as you sleep. I'll be right here as long as you need me."

What he needed the most just then Kirk could not help him with, could not give him. What he needed was to stop the conflict in him and know the truth. He needed the certainty that his friend was there for him. he needed to know what had so changed the one person he would have always trusted with not just his life but also what Humans called his soul. WHAT IS, IS

He heard McCoy say, "They had a fairly good idea of what you needed, how you would be, and said to tell you they will take care of the other business with Scotty minding the store. His body core temp is still dangerously low. No change in the other readings."

Then heard the soft whirr of the hand held diagnostic reader and then a second time.

"Bones?" Real concern was in the voice.

"Jim, I want you to get off the bed."

"Bones, I need,"

"I want you to get out off that bed now, Jim."

"Please Bones,"

"I want you to get off the bed, go have something to eat, a wash, check on the ship if you want to, and come back."

"He's going to,"

"There is a very, very, very slight improvement but he is an extremely long way from my being able to do more than monitor him. He still seems totally unwilling to fight. If he were Human there are drugs and other treatments I could use but that damned hybrid system of his means it is all up to him. He has to want to live enough to fight for it. At the moment I do not know if he wants to."

"I have to,"

"Obey your doctor's orders, Jim. I do not want to make it an official order. Go talk with your crew."

There was silence for a moment and then Spock felt that familiar hand stroke his bangs into place and heard the whispered, "I will be back, Spock. McCoy will take care of you but I will be back soon. You just rest. **I will be back**."

"Jim, you also have to talk with Uhura."

"Uhura? Why?"

"We seem to have had a slight problem with the recordings made on the bridge. Seems the higher echelon, while reviewing Collins's actions, realized they are missing a few minutes of an exchange between Collins and Spock. Oddly while Collins is admitting there was more he is only saying it was a disagreement they had about looking for you. Uhura told them she was unable to explain it but would make a thorough check of the system. When she said she would prefer to do it alone but would welcome any expert help they might want to send they said her inspection and report would suffice. That, saying their experts could check, must have made them think she had nothing to hide."

"She risked,"

"She was not going to let another person see what we saw. That's why she asked me to destroy that disc. Sulu helped me turn it into dust and Scotty put in the toxic waste system. Nobody will see that or know that that happened apart from those who were there. Now go, go wash and change your clothes, go see you crew, go look at your ship, and Jim, go be the captain. I will be right here and will contact you if there is any change."

"**Any change at all**, understood Bones?"


	4. Chapter 4

"Spock?" There was controlled excitement in Kirk's voice.

The first thing Spock had seen when he finally opened his eyes was the look of love in the hazel eyes watching him. "Ji," he stopped as emotions battered at him "Captain." He suddenly was almost overpowered by emotions of love, joy, excitement, near rapture. He closed his eyes.

The power of the surge of emotions was nearly overwhelming his control when heard a voice he recognized as Lieutenant Uhura's saying, "Hands off, everybody. Even you, Captain. He feels too much."

Almost immediately the intensity faded but he felt the inner warmth such emotions left him. Yet there was still a flicker of conflict in remembering what Kirk had said to him, how he had said it from the depth of himself. They were juxtaposed and therefore conflicting. Which did James Kirk really mean?

With his shields back as they were meant to be and his human emotions under his control again Spock lay for a moment as he recalled what he had heard while in that void that filled with so many emotions of love, empathy, caring, and friendship. Each of those six he considered his closest human friends had helped him realize how much he was admired and respected as him. Through their physical contact he had discovered how they saw him not as a Vulcan, not as a human, but as a fellow being worthy of their friendship. One by one he remembered what they had said, all the while there had been that steady flow of love from Jim.

Slowly he opened his eyes again and looked around, not surprised to see all six of them there. Jim sitting on the bed and the others all standing on both sides but all looking at him with warmth and love clearly showing on the faces.

"Mister Scott, from your comments am I to believe you believe in the mythological beast that was alleged to inhabit a body of water in what was Old Earth Scotland?"

There was no escaping the smile on the older man's face, "Ah., Mister Spock, Nessie is there, maybe nae in reality but in the mind Nessie is there. Tis grand to see ye back with us."

Spock gave a slight nod, "It is good to be back. Rest assured that I still consider you to be the ship's miracle worker as there is no other being who could talk the engines into giving us more power, not other being who could use the minimum of equipment to get maximum output the way you do. I thank you for your participation in my return and the emotions you revealed to me."

When Spock looked at him the others saw how Chekov slightly moved as though realizing just how much Spock would have detected from his touch, Mister Chekov, I am honored that you consider me your starshego brata. I believe many children bastardized the word when they would call one not related to them a derogatory derogative from that, brat. I also am going to trust you to complete the experiment you started on solar flares as you are more than competent to do so."

There was a broad grin on Chekov's face, "I vill be pleased to show you what I have thought of to do. You vill most likely find errors but at the moment they are just what I vant to try."

Still looking at the younger man he said, "I am sure they will be interesting if perhaps illogical. You must know I have never thought of you as needing much instruction and I also believe that you will find that there is a Russian version of the treatment I thank you for so willingly assisting in."

Sulu stood straighter when Spock looked at him, "Mister Sulu I have only wanted to ensure that you had the opportunity to experience piloting as many craft as possible as I know of your fascination with such things. I also thought that the plants I located and took to you would extend not only your knowledge but also that of the Federation as I know of the detailed reports on your studies. I look forward to having a cup of tea with you and thank you not only for salvaging and growing those plants from Vulcan. I thank you for that encouragement to recover. You are sure to find Vulcan tea different."

Sulu nodded once, "I look forward to brewing it for you, Mister Spock."

Slowly Spock turned his head and looked at Uhura standing on the other side of the bed, "Lieutenant Uhura, I am expecting you on the Bridge when I return. I, too, find the bridge a less then friendly place when you are not at the Communications station. I am honored that my presence gives you confidence and reassurance. I thank you for your singing and your emotional outpouring that reminded me of and reassured me as to the value of remaining." He was aware that most there had smiled as he arched his right eyebrow, "I must admit I am also most intrigued by what Captain Kirk alluded to by referring to you as a vengeful vixen."

Uhura reached out and patted Spock's shoulder, "I will tell you about that later. You just rest and let us take care of you for a bit."

There was no mistaking the slight change of expression on Spock's face when he looked at McCoy nor the look McCoy gave him. "Doctor McCoy I have no doubt whatsoever that you would react in your usual highly emotional and illogical manner should I ever yell at you, cuss you out, or react in a way that would be considered unusual for me. I have been aware of your usual unusual intense concern about my well-being, your reluctance to leave me alone in the care of any of your staff, and your emotions toward me and I thank you for being so tenacious while also allowing me the dignity to decide. I was aware of your wanting me to return and also your gift of understanding should I have decided not to. I do however notice one aspect of what you said that is obviously incorrect."

"And no doubt you are about to tell me just how I am incorrect."

"I would only point out you stated you were going to sit yet you are clearly standing."

"Just for that I will be keeping you in here for an extra ten standard hours after everybody leaves."

Spock saw Kirk looking at him and met his eyes. For a long time they looked at each other then Spock looked at the others one by one and said, "I thank you all for being here, for doing what you did on my behalf, but I require time alone with the Captain."

"Right you are, Mister Spock, the rest of us will go to ma quarters where we will have a wee dram from my special collection to celebrate your return to us as yourself. Tis grand to have ye back."

After they had gone Spock looked at Kirk, studying him. He could detect the fear he had sensed through their touch, the flicker of conflict in juxtaposed feelings. There was also something else there that he had seldom seen before when he looked at his Captain and friend; shame and great indecision. Could it be that there was some part of his friend that did not trust him?

"Captain, is there something troubling you?"

"Yes, there is something troubling me. Us."

"Us?" It was what Spock wanted to talke about, to clarify, to see if they were still "us".

"Yes, us. What we had. What we are like now."

"Is there a difference between what we had and what we are like now?

"Don't give me that spiel about Vulcans not feeling things, not having emotions as I know you must feel there is a difference. You must be aware of a strangeness between us. A strangeness because I ruined what we were."

Spock looked at Kirk unsure if he should ask but knew if Kirk was his friend he would fully understand, "What facts do you have to substantiate the statement that you ruined what we were?"

For a moment Kirk had looked away then gripped both Spock's hands in his and looked at his friend. "For six days I was in a version of what we Humans call Hell, I had been trained not to break under such conditions but I did, Spock. I broke and blamed it on you. I believed the others had saved me as they were there when I woke us and realized I was safe. When I saw you I, I reacted like a madman. Boney would give it some fancy medical term, call it some sort of cathartic release or something, but at that moment I knew what I was saying and who I was saying it to and I did not stop. I loath myself for what I did to you and when I saw what you had done," for a moment Kirk hesitated as though unsure of how to say what he wanted to, "when I saw how on the bridge you begged.,"

"You saw," a look close to panic and mortification flashed across Spock's face as he had not been aware that Kirk had seen that, that that was what McCoy had talked about earlier.

"After you left after my tirade Uhura made me watch the recording then Bones, Sulu, and Scotty ensured that nobody would ever know about what happened on the bridge but those who were there. I checked the recording she spliced into its place and it is perfect."

Spock closed his eyes for a moment. Uhura had risked so much by deleting that, by tampering with a bridge recording. "I must thank her. I was unaware she had mastered what I had shown her to do only once. She took a great risk on my behalf."

"At first I could not understand her reaction to my reaction towards you. I would have staked my life on the fact she could never look at anybody on this ship with the pure disgust and total abhorrence the way she did at me before putting the disc in the display unit and storming out after asking it be destroyed after I watched it. After I saw it and realized all you had been doing for me during those six days; how you had protected my ship, taken my place in defending my crew, guarding my career against Collins I was set on seeing you and setting things right. Bones warned me against it, told me to give you time, explained how Collins had treated you but I would not listen. I only accepted what I wanted to do. I was aware that I had weakened and reacted as Collins had planned. I was furious at what he had done to me that, that," Kirk closed his eyes and shook his head and Spock knew how Kirk would be disgusted with himself.

When Kirk remained silent Spock squeezed his hands, "Captain?"

"That I went to see you **not thinking of what seeing me would do to you but only how I would feel**. Bones warned me but I was sure you had not been affected as much as **I** had, as much as Bones said you had been. I did not stop to think about it, let alone believe what it all would have done to you. I was sure that you would have thought of my reaction as merely a minor temper tantrum. But when I got there and you stood at attention with your back to me, when you would not face me, when you stopped yourself from calling me Jim, when you talked through Chekov and did not correct him I knew Bones had been right. It was if only then did I really see what Collins had done to you, what I had done to you. I knew how much I had hurt you and yet you had still thought of me by reminding me of Collins looking for me. I knew that there was no excuse for what I had done and said to you. I knew that I would have to somehow at least attempt to regain even a small proportion of your trust in me as I realized I had totally destroyed the one friendship that meant more to me than anything else I had ever known or possibly will ever know."

Spock just looked up at him knowing how Kirk needed to get all he wanted to say, knew he needed to say, out now.

"I had felt you in my head, calming me, reassuring me, but I tried to make myself believe I was doing that. I even made myself believe hearing you say farewell was a part of a nightmare. When I got to the cell and saw you laying so still, saw McCoy working on you, I realized it had not been a nightmare. When Chekov said Collis was behind it I had wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill him in ways even the Klingons could not conceive. The others made me see what you had done, how you had kept them and the ship safe for me. They made me see that I had to confront Collins and I knew the best place to do that was at the meeting.

"Spock you would have been so proud yet shocked by Uhura's actions. Collins was about to mention you had begged on the bridge as she approached up and all but flung her cup of freshly brewed hot coffee at his crotch when she was close enough."

To hear that Uhura had taken a shocking action did not sound like the Uhura Spock knew and he raised an eyebrow, "Deliberate action?"

"Yes, but made to look like an accident and she let him know what would happen if he ever mentions what he made you do. She did something very minor compared with what I would have done. You do not have to worry about anybody finding out about what he did to you on the bridge."

Spock realized they still had not discussed what mattered, "You still have not told me the **facts** you have to substantiate your statement that you ruined what we were. You have presented me with your version of the events that transpired and your reactions but you have not given me facts."

"Not given you the facts, Spock? I have given you more than enough reasons to prove I ruined what we had, what we were. How can you not see that I ruined all that?"

"What I see, Captain, is that you displayed in the only way you could have after all you had been exposed to. I have known for years, thanks largely to my Human mother then to Starfleet training, that Humans can often become highly emotionally reactive after prolonged periods of stress and or sensual depravity or confusion. I had not been aware of how the combined effort of having to deal with Collins as well as trying to quickly ascertain where you would be and carry out a rescue had greatly weakened my shields. I, I could not recall ever feeling so what could only be termed vulnerable and exposed like that before. I was ill-prepared for your words. When you came to the cell I thought I was doing what you had wanted, staying out of your life, and I needed to remind you that Collins would be looking for you. I apolo,"

Spock felt Kirk quickly squeeze his hands as he shook his head before fixing his gaze back on his eyes, "**Don't you dare apologize to me** for your reaction! I know it was not you intention to upset me but it was my fault for attacking you as I had."

"Jim,: Spock admitted to himself that is was a wonderful sensation to say that name again and could tell from Kirk's reaction that he also welcomed it, "I felt I needed time alone to think over my next actions. I was not functioning as logically as I should have. I believe Mister Chekov understood which is why he reacted as he did when you came."

Kirk's barely contained excitement relief at being called Jim again radiated from him, "You have no idea how much I wanted to tackle Chekov and get into that cell and make you see how wrong I was, how sorry I was."

"I believe you would have found Chekov a most formidable opponent at the time as he does seem to have a protective streak that he keeps dormant and hidden under the tales of Russia."

Kirk smiled, "From the look he gave me I do not doubt that. I got the feeling that he was keeping me from getting close to you not only because of Collins but because of how I had acted, reacted when he brought you to see me."

"If I might I would ask something of you, Jim."

"Of course, Spock. What?"

"Could you ask Lieutenant Uhura to come see me. I will only need her presence for a few moments but I would like to talk privately with her before she has more than a dram of Mister Scott's liquor."

Just for a moment Kirk seemed stunned. There was the possibility that he had not expected Spock to want to talk with her but he had nodded, "I'll go get her and return when she returns to Scotty's quarters."

When Uhura entered Spock's quarters she slowly approached the bed as though uncertain if he was awake or not, "Am I correct in assuming you deliberately caused a senior officer physical pain because of their treatment of me?"

Without hesitation she said, "Yes, I did and,"

"I thank you. Had I been able to I would have done worse for what he did to the Captain." He had smiled at he to reassure her, "I also thank you for removing all records of,"

Uhura gripped his hand and gave it a squeeze, "Had I done anything so against who I am at my core I know you would have done the same. Nobody but the six of us and it will ever know what happened. I only kept it till the Captain saw it and then it was destroyed."

"You knew the Captain would be returning?"

"I knew you would find him. I know you two share something magical, something we do not understand, and I know you would not give up on us or him."

For a moment Spock just looked at her then gently squeezed her hands, "I also wish to thank you for your songs. I would also find the bridge to be a cold and unfriendly place if you were not there. We will talk more later."

"Okay, I'll come back later. I'll send the Captain back."

"No, let him enjoy the gathering."

Spock had his eyes shut with the still temperature lowered and the lights dimmed when Kirk walked back in. "Spock?" In that one word Spock heard the love and concern wrapped in friendship that he had missed hearing for so long.

"There was no need for you to have left the function early, Jim. I believe Mister Scott might have been incorrect in the amount of liquor I suspect will be imbibed in his quarters. I would suspect it to be considerably more than a wee dram."

As Kirk sat on the bed and took his hands Spock could hear the loving friendship in his voice, "Your suspicions would be correct. Considerably more than a wee dram will be consumed."

"You need not have left,"

"I will go back later to check how many have decided to sleep there tonight. I doubt if anything short of a red alert would get them away from the celebration at your recovery."

"I am sure it is also to celebrate your return, Jim."

As he looked up at his friend at his Captain Spock wondered if he had really dealt with what had happened and if they truly again had what they always had had. Through his hand that Kirk still held he felt great uncertainty and doubt as well as still a lingering of that self-loathing that he had sensed before but over-powering it all was love and friendship..

"Spock,"

"Jim,"

The words were said in perfect unison and as they looked at each other Spock was suddenly aware that they were once again thinking almost as one, that what they had once had was lingering just beyond their grasp. For a moment they just looked at each other and then Spock pulled his hand free and slowly reached up, pausing momentarily till he saw the nod in response to the unspoken question before placing his fingers on Kirk's face in familiar places and freely opening his mind. Almost immediately Kirk freely opened his mind. Now there could be, would be, no barriers between them as each opened their mind to the other.

While Spock had thought his shields were strong the emotions that flooded into him through the link from Jim threatened to overwhelm him. He saw the images Jim had seen while in that cell, heard what he had heard, and understood how over six weeks his friend could not have sustained resistance to that. He felt the sense of betrayal the images and treatment Kirk had received had conditioned him to believe in a betrayal. Then the tremendous guilt Kirk felt when he saw the recording of what Collins had done to him, when Collins had tormented him and had him beg on the bridge. And finally the guilt at not knowing how to get back the trust and the friend he had pushed away from him.

Through the link Spock felt the all-consuming fear of being alone coming from Jim. The crushing guilt of what he had done to his friend, the shame at what he had said to one of his two closest of friends, and the belief that he had lost that friend and trust forever. There was an uncertainty as to how he could captain again, how he could face what he would have to without knowing that there was somebody right there for him, beside him, supporting him in so many ways, and just there, just to his right side.

Slowly and carefully Spock used his skills to ease the painful memories of his friend into the deep recesses of his friend's mind where they would remain but not be easily accessed. He saw the torment leave Jim's face as he eased his hands away from him. Also on Jim's face was the indication that he accepted what he had seen in Spock's mind.

"Thank you, Spock. Are you,"

"I was honored to do it for you, Jim. I am fine though tired." He saw a flicker of disappointment on his friend's face, "But I would enjoy a game of chess, if you do not mind."

There was no denying the relief Spock saw sweep over Kirk's face as he squeezed Spock's hands as he stood, "If you sure you are not too tired. I will just go get the board."

"I believe I can walk to your quarters, Jim."

As he looked across the small table and the three tiers of the chess game at his friend contemplating his next move Spock was sure he felt something deep inside him smile and sing. These last few days had tested what was between them and had proven to him that Jim Kirk thought the friendship they shared was as important as he knew it was to him His best friend had always been there for him, was there for him, and would always be there for him.


	5. Chapter 5

"Spock?" There was controlled excitement in Kirk's voice.

The first thing Spock had seen when he finally opened his eyes was the look of love in the hazel eyes watching him. "Ji," he stopped as emotions battered at him "Captain." He suddenly was almost overpowered by emotions of love, joy, excitement, near rapture. He closed his eyes.

The power of the surge of emotions was nearly overwhelming his control when heard a voice he recognized as Lieutenant Uhura's saying, "Hands off, everybody. Even you, Captain. He feels too much."

Almost immediately the intensity faded but he felt the inner warmth such emotions left him. Yet there was still a flicker of conflict in remembering what Kirk had said to him, how he had said it from the depth of himself. They were juxtaposed and therefore conflicting. Which did James Kirk really mean?

With his shields back as they were meant to be and his human emotions under his control again Spock lay for a moment as he recalled what he had heard while in that void that filled with so many emotions of love, empathy, caring, and friendship. Each of those six he considered his closest human friends had helped him realize how much he was admired and respected as him. Through their physical contact he had discovered how they saw him not as a Vulcan, not as a human, but as a fellow being worthy of their friendship. One by one he remembered what they had said, all the while there had been that steady flow of love from Jim.

Slowly he opened his eyes again and looked around, not surprised to see all six of them there. Jim sitting on the bed and the others all standing on both sides but all looking at him with warmth and love clearly showing on the faces.

"Mister Scott, from your comments am I to believe you believe in the mythological beast that was alleged to inhabit a body of water in what was Old Earth Scotland?"

There was no escaping the smile on the older man's face, "Ah., Mister Spock, Nessie is there, maybe nae in reality but in the mind Nessie is there. Tis grand to see ye back with us."

Spock gave a slight nod, "It is good to be back. Rest assured that I still consider you to be the ship's miracle worker as there is no other being who could talk the engines into giving us more power, not other being who could use the minimum of equipment to get maximum output the way you do. I thank you for your participation in my return and the emotions you revealed to me."

When Spock looked at him the others saw how Chekov slightly moved as though realizing just how much Spock would have detected from his touch, Mister Chekov, I am honored that you consider me your starshego brata. I believe many children bastardized the word when they would call one not related to them a derogatory derogative from that, brat. I also am going to trust you to complete the experiment you started on solar flares as you are more than competent to do so."

There was a broad grin on Chekov's face, "I vill be pleased to show you what I have thought of to do. You vill most likely find errors but at the moment they are just what I vant to try."

Still looking at the younger man he said, "I am sure they will be interesting if perhaps illogical. You must know I have never thought of you as needing much instruction and I also believe that you will find that there is a Russian version of the treatment I thank you for so willingly assisting in."

Sulu stood straighter when Spock looked at him, "Mister Sulu I have only wanted to ensure that you had the opportunity to experience piloting as many craft as possible as I know of your fascination with such things. I also thought that the plants I located and took to you would extend not only your knowledge but also that of the Federation as I know of the detailed reports on your studies. I look forward to having a cup of tea with you and thank you not only for salvaging and growing those plants from Vulcan. I thank you for that encouragement to recover. You are sure to find Vulcan tea different."

Sulu nodded once, "I look forward to brewing it for you, Mister Spock."

Slowly Spock turned his head and looked at Uhura standing on the other side of the bed, "Lieutenant Uhura, I am expecting you on the Bridge when I return. I, too, find the bridge a less then friendly place when you are not at the Communications station. I am honored that my presence gives you confidence and reassurance. I thank you for your singing and your emotional outpouring that reminded me of and reassured me as to the value of remaining." He was aware that most there had smiled as he arched his right eyebrow, "I must admit I am also most intrigued by what Captain Kirk alluded to by referring to you as a vengeful vixen."

Uhura reached out and patted Spock's shoulder, "I will tell you about that later. You just rest and let us take care of you for a bit."

There was no mistaking the slight change of expression on Spock's face when he looked at McCoy nor the look McCoy gave him. "Doctor McCoy I have no doubt whatsoever that you would react in your usual highly emotional and illogical manner should I ever yell at you, cuss you out, or react in a way that would be considered unusual for me. I have been aware of your usual unusual intense concern about my well-being, your reluctance to leave me alone in the care of any of your staff, and your emotions toward me and I thank you for being so tenacious while also allowing me the dignity to decide. I was aware of your wanting me to return and also your gift of understanding should I have decided not to. I do however notice one aspect of what you said that is obviously incorrect."

"And no doubt you are about to tell me just how I am incorrect."

"I would only point out you stated you were going to sit yet you are clearly standing."

"Just for that I will be keeping you in here for an extra ten standard hours after everybody leaves."

Spock saw Kirk looking at him and met his eyes. For a long time they looked at each other then Spock looked at the others one by one and said, "I thank you all for being here, for doing what you did on my behalf, but I require time alone with the Captain."

"Right you are, Mister Spock, the rest of us will go to ma quarters where we will have a wee dram from my special collection to celebrate your return to us as yourself. Tis grand to have ye back."

After they had gone Spock looked at Kirk, studying him. He could detect the fear he had sensed through their touch, the flicker of conflict in juxtaposed feelings. There was also something else there that he had seldom seen before when he looked at his Captain and friend; shame and great indecision. Could it be that there was some part of his friend that did not trust him?

"Captain, is there something troubling you?"

"Yes, there is something troubling me. Us."

"Us?" It was what Spock wanted to talke about, to clarify, to see if they were still "us".

"Yes, us. What we had. What we are like now."

"Is there a difference between what we had and what we are like now?

"Don't give me that spiel about Vulcans not feeling things, not having emotions as I know you must feel there is a difference. You must be aware of a strangeness between us. A strangeness because I ruined what we were."

Spock looked at Kirk unsure if he should ask but knew if Kirk was his friend he would fully understand, "What facts do you have to substantiate the statement that you ruined what we were?"

For a moment Kirk had looked away then gripped both Spock's hands in his and looked at his friend. "For six days I was in a version of what we Humans call Hell, I had been trained not to break under such conditions but I did, Spock. I broke and blamed it on you. I believed the others had saved me as they were there when I woke us and realized I was safe. When I saw you I, I reacted like a madman. Boney would give it some fancy medical term, call it some sort of cathartic release or something, but at that moment I knew what I was saying and who I was saying it to and I did not stop. I loath myself for what I did to you and when I saw what you had done," for a moment Kirk hesitated as though unsure of how to say what he wanted to, "when I saw how on the bridge you begged.,"

"You saw," a look close to panic and mortification flashed across Spock's face as he had not been aware that Kirk had seen that, that that was what McCoy had talked about earlier.

"After you left after my tirade Uhura made me watch the recording then Bones, Sulu, and Scotty ensured that nobody would ever know about what happened on the bridge but those who were there. I checked the recording she spliced into its place and it is perfect."

Spock closed his eyes for a moment. Uhura had risked so much by deleting that, by tampering with a bridge recording. "I must thank her. I was unaware she had mastered what I had shown her to do only once. She took a great risk on my behalf."

"At first I could not understand her reaction to my reaction towards you. I would have staked my life on the fact she could never look at anybody on this ship with the pure disgust and total abhorrence the way she did at me before putting the disc in the display unit and storming out after asking it be destroyed after I watched it. After I saw it and realized all you had been doing for me during those six days; how you had protected my ship, taken my place in defending my crew, guarding my career against Collins I was set on seeing you and setting things right. Bones warned me against it, told me to give you time, explained how Collins had treated you but I would not listen. I only accepted what I wanted to do. I was aware that I had weakened and reacted as Collins had planned. I was furious at what he had done to me that, that," Kirk closed his eyes and shook his head and Spock knew how Kirk would be disgusted with himself.

When Kirk remained silent Spock squeezed his hands, "Captain?"

"That I went to see you **not thinking of what seeing me would do to you but only how I would feel**. Bones warned me but I was sure you had not been affected as much as **I** had, as much as Bones said you had been. I did not stop to think about it, let alone believe what it all would have done to you. I was sure that you would have thought of my reaction as merely a minor temper tantrum. But when I got there and you stood at attention with your back to me, when you would not face me, when you stopped yourself from calling me Jim, when you talked through Chekov and did not correct him I knew Bones had been right. It was if only then did I really see what Collins had done to you, what I had done to you. I knew how much I had hurt you and yet you had still thought of me by reminding me of Collins looking for me. I knew that there was no excuse for what I had done and said to you. I knew that I would have to somehow at least attempt to regain even a small proportion of your trust in me as I realized I had totally destroyed the one friendship that meant more to me than anything else I had ever known or possibly will ever know."

Spock just looked up at him knowing how Kirk needed to get all he wanted to say, knew he needed to say, out now.

"I had felt you in my head, calming me, reassuring me, but I tried to make myself believe I was doing that. I even made myself believe hearing you say farewell was a part of a nightmare. When I got to the cell and saw you laying so still, saw McCoy working on you, I realized it had not been a nightmare. When Chekov said Collis was behind it I had wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill him in ways even the Klingons could not conceive. The others made me see what you had done, how you had kept them and the ship safe for me. They made me see that I had to confront Collins and I knew the best place to do that was at the meeting.

"Spock you would have been so proud yet shocked by Uhura's actions. Collins was about to mention you had begged on the bridge as she approached up and all but flung her cup of freshly brewed hot coffee at his crotch when she was close enough."

To hear that Uhura had taken a shocking action did not sound like the Uhura Spock knew and he raised an eyebrow, "Deliberate action?"

"Yes, but made to look like an accident and she let him know what would happen if he ever mentions what he made you do. She did something very minor compared with what I would have done. You do not have to worry about anybody finding out about what he did to you on the bridge."

Spock realized they still had not discussed what mattered, "You still have not told me the **facts** you have to substantiate your statement that you ruined what we were. You have presented me with your version of the events that transpired and your reactions but you have not given me facts."

"Not given you the facts, Spock? I have given you more than enough reasons to prove I ruined what we had, what we were. How can you not see that I ruined all that?"

"What I see, Captain, is that you displayed in the only way you could have after all you had been exposed to. I have known for years, thanks largely to my Human mother then to Starfleet training, that Humans can often become highly emotionally reactive after prolonged periods of stress and or sensual depravity or confusion. I had not been aware of how the combined effort of having to deal with Collins as well as trying to quickly ascertain where you would be and carry out a rescue had greatly weakened my shields. I, I could not recall ever feeling so what could only be termed vulnerable and exposed like that before. I was ill-prepared for your words. When you came to the cell I thought I was doing what you had wanted, staying out of your life, and I needed to remind you that Collins would be looking for you. I apolo,"

Spock felt Kirk quickly squeeze his hands as he shook his head before fixing his gaze back on his eyes, "**Don't you dare apologize to me** for your reaction! I know it was not you intention to upset me but it was my fault for attacking you as I had."

"Jim,: Spock admitted to himself that is was a wonderful sensation to say that name again and could tell from Kirk's reaction that he also welcomed it, "I felt I needed time alone to think over my next actions. I was not functioning as logically as I should have. I believe Mister Chekov understood which is why he reacted as he did when you came."

Kirk's barely contained excitement relief at being called Jim again radiated from him, "You have no idea how much I wanted to tackle Chekov and get into that cell and make you see how wrong I was, how sorry I was."

"I believe you would have found Chekov a most formidable opponent at the time as he does seem to have a protective streak that he keeps dormant and hidden under the tales of Russia."

Kirk smiled, "From the look he gave me I do not doubt that. I got the feeling that he was keeping me from getting close to you not only because of Collins but because of how I had acted, reacted when he brought you to see me."

"If I might I would ask something of you, Jim."

"Of course, Spock. What?"

"Could you ask Lieutenant Uhura to come see me. I will only need her presence for a few moments but I would like to talk privately with her before she has more than a dram of Mister Scott's liquor."

Just for a moment Kirk seemed stunned. There was the possibility that he had not expected Spock to want to talk with her but he had nodded, "I'll go get her and return when she returns to Scotty's quarters."

When Uhura entered Spock's quarters she slowly approached the bed as though uncertain if he was awake or not, "Am I correct in assuming you deliberately caused a senior officer physical pain because of their treatment of me?"

Without hesitation she said, "Yes, I did and,"

"I thank you. Had I been able to I would have done worse for what he did to the Captain." He had smiled at he to reassure her, "I also thank you for removing all records of,"

Uhura gripped his hand and gave it a squeeze, "Had I done anything so against who I am at my core I know you would have done the same. Nobody but the six of us and it will ever know what happened. I only kept it till the Captain saw it and then it was destroyed."

"You knew the Captain would be returning?"

"I knew you would find him. I know you two share something magical, something we do not understand, and I know you would not give up on us or him."

For a moment Spock just looked at her then gently squeezed her hands, "I also wish to thank you for your songs. I would also find the bridge to be a cold and unfriendly place if you were not there. We will talk more later."

"Okay, I'll come back later. I'll send the Captain back."

"No, let him enjoy the gathering."

Spock had his eyes shut with the still temperature lowered and the lights dimmed when Kirk walked back in. "Spock?" In that one word Spock heard the love and concern wrapped in friendship that he had missed hearing for so long.

"There was no need for you to have left the function early, Jim. I believe Mister Scott might have been incorrect in the amount of liquor I suspect will be imbibed in his quarters. I would suspect it to be considerably more than a wee dram."

As Kirk sat on the bed and took his hands Spock could hear the loving friendship in his voice, "Your suspicions would be correct. Considerably more than a wee dram will be consumed."

"You need not have left,"

"I will go back later to check how many have decided to sleep there tonight. I doubt if anything short of a red alert would get them away from the celebration at your recovery."

"I am sure it is also to celebrate your return, Jim."

As he looked up at his friend at his Captain Spock wondered if he had really dealt with what had happened and if they truly again had what they always had had. Through his hand that Kirk still held he felt great uncertainty and doubt as well as still a lingering of that self-loathing that he had sensed before but over-powering it all was love and friendship..

"Spock,"

"Jim,"

The words were said in perfect unison and as they looked at each other Spock was suddenly aware that they were once again thinking almost as one, that what they had once had was lingering just beyond their grasp. For a moment they just looked at each other and then Spock pulled his hand free and slowly reached up, pausing momentarily till he saw the nod in response to the unspoken question before placing his fingers on Kirk's face in familiar places and freely opening his mind. Almost immediately Kirk freely opened his mind. Now there could be, would be, no barriers between them as each opened their mind to the other.

While Spock had thought his shields were strong the emotions that flooded into him through the link from Jim threatened to overwhelm him. He saw the images Jim had seen while in that cell, heard what he had heard, and understood how over six weeks his friend could not have sustained resistance to that. He felt the sense of betrayal the images and treatment Kirk had received had conditioned him to believe in a betrayal. Then the tremendous guilt Kirk felt when he saw the recording of what Collins had done to him, when Collins had tormented him and had him beg on the bridge. And finally the guilt at not knowing how to get back the trust and the friend he had pushed away from him.

Through the link Spock felt the all-consuming fear of being alone coming from Jim. The crushing guilt of what he had done to his friend, the shame at what he had said to one of his two closest of friends, and the belief that he had lost that friend and trust forever. There was an uncertainty as to how he could captain again, how he could face what he would have to without knowing that there was somebody right there for him, beside him, supporting him in so many ways, and just there, just to his right side.

Slowly and carefully Spock used his skills to ease the painful memories of his friend into the deep recesses of his friend's mind where they would remain but not be easily accessed. He saw the torment leave Jim's face as he eased his hands away from him. Also on Jim's face was the indication that he accepted what he had seen in Spock's mind.

"Thank you, Spock. Are you,"

"I was honored to do it for you, Jim. I am fine though tired." He saw a flicker of disappointment on his friend's face, "But I would enjoy a game of chess, if you do not mind."

There was no denying the relief Spock saw sweep over Kirk's face as he squeezed Spock's hands as he stood, "If you sure you are not too tired. I will just go get the board."

"I believe I can walk to your quarters, Jim."

As he looked across the small table and the three tiers of the chess game at his friend contemplating his next move Spock was sure he felt something deep inside him smile and sing. These last few days had tested what was between them and had proven to him that Jim Kirk thought the friendship they shared was as important as he knew it was to him His best friend had always been there for him, was there for him, and would always be there for him.


End file.
